New Beginnings

So this post originally starts without a title; in everything I do I'm obsessed with the organisation and structure of things that prior to every blog post I'd title it - so that the blog post can have its focus, topic sentences and flow. But with the way my thoughts are jumbled up and the way they keep shooting out like electricity bolts, I suppose I'll let the post form its own title.

I don't know how 2011 went by. There's no desire for me to dig through my sparse archives to peg an emotion to the day when 2010 passed, just for comparison's sake. But I know that this feels different. I don't know why. Maybe it's the nonchalance. Maybe it's the disdain for the old year. I just know that I feel almost nothing for it. Like an old lover who's done me some injustice. Qiu says it's because I've "offended tai sui 太岁(heavenly generals to the Jade Emperor)" during the Rabbit year clash. I feel that maybe it's the year who has affronted me.

In 2011 I've loved and lost; probably lost more than I loved. And for that I claw desperately at what was lost.. look on forlornly at what has scattered. I regret that it's in my nature for letting things be the way I rationalize they should be, and not what my heart feels they should be. But that's the way how I am, once similar incidents transpire my cells push me to react in the same way. I can only learn through unwanted situations.

Last year when we crossed into the new year, I remember feeling squeezed for breath - as if someone robbed me of my time. And this year, it felt as natural as continuing a step. No end, no start, no finish. Just going through the same old rickety motions.

Maybe I should have some sort of reflections for 2011. Or a list of New Year Resolutions (that nobody ever keeps) that will mark this year as potentially awesome. Whatever it is, I have to find a way to push this creeping year into the limelight. I should never have gone blog-hopping, then I would never have chanced upon forgotten blogs with the old school style of blogging - pouring one's heart content into words on an online diary - and perhaps now I could have saved myself some melancholy.

So this year, I wish for Friendships and Success. Two words that are simple in their own meanings, but challenging to achieve.

And so I have settled on a title: "New Beginnings". Underserving because of its positive connotations when the mood of this post reeks of somberness, but fitting I hope; for in the past year I've learnt a thing or two about people, relationships and the rungs in the Ladder of Life, where now I'm starting at the lowest one again.

This time I can only hope I know what to do.