The Mother has been getting on my nerves lately. Usually I don't let her comments affect me, but lately, they've been eating into my confidence.

Wait, what confidence? It's non-existent and shattered somewhere where I can't find it.

Recently our conversations (or rather, her conversations to me) have been peppered with comments like, "What happened to you? Why you so fat now?", "Why you wear your jeans your butt so big?", "You've been eating alot of western food, is it? Why so fat?", "How come you suddenly balloon become so fat?" ... etc.

Now, don't bother to tell me I'm not fat. Because if your mother tells you these things for a couple of months straight, I think you would choose to believe it too.

And the worst thing is, I can't stop eating or get myself to lose weight to make her comments stop. I've resolved so many times to go running, but the rain always intercepts my plans. Or, I would decide to survive on apples alone, but would eventually bow down to food.

What is fucking wrong with me?

Anyway, I went walking around Kallang CC to see if they had a gym for me to sign up. Apparently, they don't, but I took the next best alternative - I signed up for their kick-boxing lessons.
I'm such a failure, I even have to pay people to help me exercise. Gosh.

I don't care if I'm broke, I'm desperate to lose weight. Paul doesn't let me go without food, he stuffs me snacks and ignores my "Apple Diet".

Can my mood get worse?
Definitely. I'm having the time of the month now and the hormonal imbalance is making me cranky.

Watch out, all of you.

It turned out to be a rather unproductive day at school for me today.

I had rushed into Soci lecture 5 minutes late, only to be so disturbed by the lecture that I left halfway into the droning. She was regurgitating information from the slides and doing activities which I thought were useless to my Sociology syllabus. I want to learn about Karl Marx and Max Weber, not learn that everyone has different realities using long illustrations when it could have been shortened wisely.

I know it's for the sake of weaker students, but a piece of advice for everyone who's attending school: Do not come to school unless you've read your lecture notes, or at least have half a brain to understand what the lecturer is lecturing about. You're just wasting other people's time.
At the rate she was going, I was better off at the library revising my Econs notes. Yeah, which was a fantastic idea right after I walked out.

Econs lecture, one of the two lectures which I so looked forward to, was disappointing. Right at the start of the lecture, I was nodding off. I had to doodle on my friend's pages and pop mentos sweets into my mouth to keep myself awake.

For once, I left school on Tuesday feeling like I wasted my day.

Well, not so. Ever since the S.O. set up his computer, I have the backup plan of returning home to the world of Norrath. We created Halflings (because we wanted to save this race from extinction in Norrath) and have decided to betray to the city of Freeport (which we so regret now because it's a freaking long quest).

The most exciting part about Everquest II is the customizing of characters. I never get tired of deciding eye shapes, hair styles and body size. We created two wonderful looking Halflings.
Which was a surprise, because I remembered when I saw Flowerpot's Halfling, she was stout and cute, but never fit any description of 'good-looking'.



After playing around with the settings, I finally knew why.
We had set our models to Soga, which means that the design of the characters have more Asian features.
I unclicked the alternate models, and to my horror:



If pictures speak a thousand words, I think that picture just said, "Oh. My. God."

It's been a bizarre struggle these few months to settle into university life.
The amount of extra workload, though significant, isn't the main reason for this.

Suddenly I find so many other responsibilities and new expectations and goals placed upon myself, that I constantly find myself locked with them beneath, frantically trying to break free and propelling myself upwards to the surface.

Perhaps I haven't been really studying since stepping into JC - I astonished myself by realizing how much I enjoyed learning new things.
A walk to the library and nestling myself with one of the Management books can leave me satisfied for the rest of the day.
Completing my own notes make me feel like a proud mother, and I find the constant thrill in discovering something deeper to what I already know.

Am I mad?

Yet, sometimes, I abhor this new environment that has forced me out of my comfort zone. I get plagued by money issues, expectations of my degree, from friends, family...

I've always loved predictability, because it brings a certain degree of ease.
It'd be so easy to just feign ignorance, slip into your own world, enjoy the delights of just sitting around at home...

I love every minute of school, I just hate the examinations that come with it. And between dwelling in the stable state and finding the thrills elsewhere, I think I would rather take chances.

For now.

The Boyfriend is somewhere in JB spending more money on his car.

I have to pass time, and I realize I can't play EQII on this new system because of the lousy graphics card.
Then I realized, I can't play DotA either, because this system is so lousy, I'm lagging in a game that doesn't even require that much of system resources.

Either MSN is down or there's something wrong with my Internet connection, or there's something wrong with my computer.
Maybe it's three-in-one. Great, get ready to see me explode.

I can't open a page without it saying PAGE NOT FOUND and have to go through the hassle of refreshing it thousand of times.
Or, successfully loading it and find that everything is jumbled up, totally not in their designated web designs.
Also, I'm getting tired of trying to log on unsuccessfully to my messenger. Not to mention frustrated, agitated, IRRITATABLE.

My stupid baby sister has to come into my room and order me to turn down my volume, because she and her precious boyfriend have to study outside.
Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do, bitch?
I'll listen to music in any volume I want IN MY OWN ROOM, you and your little boyfriend can jolly well find somewhere else to study if you don't like it.
Get out of the house, even better. Your presence just reminds me of all the untrue shit you love to allege about me.

Now, he'd better call me soon or else he'll not hear the end of this.

Scruffy is getting furrier.
And er, scruffier.

He hates it when I take out his comb, because that would mean knots of fur being painfully combed out.

It didn't take him to long to associate his comb with scampering away and hiding under the sofa. hoping I would give up and go away.


I did, at first.

Then I found out he loves being brushed. He would turn over for me to brush his belly fur, eyes half closed, basking in his enjoyment.
It's impossible for me to just brush his fur alone, because that would only mean knotted fur underneath a nicely brushed top coat.

So now I just take out both his comb and brush.
It's funny to see how he's half scampering away and stop in midtracks to re-consider his decision, then lie down for me to groom him. And then, he tries to get up and scamper away again.

Funny dog.

Of course, the S.O. never mentioned anything about HID lights again.
Of course.

He got a new toy, and chose wisely only to inform me after making plans to buy it. I was somewhere between seething and being dumbfounded when he chattered away excitedly of his new toy, catching faintly words and phrases like, "exhaust pipe".. "original mazda speed"... "brand new"... "costs $400"... "now 80 bucks only"... "meeting guy tomorrow"...

The next day, I was sitting in his car, bewildered by the loud sound his modification gave him. Like those old motorcycles you know, brooooom.. BAVROOOOMMMM!

For three hours straight, he droned on about his new exhaust.
In the bookshop. Walking on the streets. Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, he'd switch topic.

When we met Ely and Uncle, he started enthusiastically again about it, happy to have a new audience to ramble on to.

And then at night when he met the Goonfather, whose eyes were wide when he heard the sound, he repeated his story animatedly, even happier to find someone who was actually interested in what he was talking about.

My mood had changed from amusement, to sulky, and now, to envy.
Me: "I never seen you so happy before."
Him: "Big boy has new toy!"

I'm seriously contemplating dressing up as car parts when I need to catch his attention. I think it would serve its purpose.

Then again, watching his face light up everytime he talked about his new toy, I found myself smiling with him.
Men are big boys in disguise.

I've always known I'd falter, somehow.
Do I still grit my teeth and carry on?
Do I even have the luxury of choosing?

All the time I look around me. People who find their directions, people walking happily up their chosen paths, knowing what's in store for them.
And I? I always thought I knew where I was headed.
Yet, I'm standing in the middle of a crossroads. Fogs and mists envelope the paths before me. I take a hesitant step forward, only to backstep, to where I first started.

I'm a perfectionist. Or at least, I used to be.
Now I can only be framed in envy whenever someone else answers correctly and earns the likes of the lecturer, while I chide myself for my previous bimbotic replies.
What's worse, I don't even understand what's so correct about that answer that made him nod his head in approval.
Or wonder why he doesn't ask me straight-forward questions which answers are at my fingertips; better still, ask me about current affairs - I know I'm one of the few who read the papers diligently every morning.
But no, I give him every opportunity to ring out sarcastic comments which make me look so very bimbo.
"Girl, when I ask you a question, you don't smile. You answer me."
Which, smiling would be the last thing I'd be doing. He just says them and targets the girls because he knows the class will laugh. And laugh, they did.

The weather's been erratic lately.
It's been months since I last exercised or tanned.
Lately I got the resolution to start again, only to have my plans twarted by the sound of thunder.. the sudden cooling of air.. and the smell of rain.
Which makes my wall of determinance grow thinner. And thinner, by the day..
To make matters worse, Mum won't stop complaining about my bigger thighs and butt. My ego now is seriously bruised. Cutting down on food doesn't work either. I've always been Snack Queen - I'd just bow down to food anyway.

Argh. I think it was just yesterday that I said I'm settling down?
I don't think so.
I'll announce that when I finally am able to summarize the freaking messy Systems Theory AND shed like, 10 kilos off whatever fat I have.
So. See you guys next year.

As most of you would have already known, I returned to the world of Norrath about 2 months ago, after falling prey to some of my friends' (namely, the Goonfather) relentless urges. The irony is, I've never seen any Silvermist whenever I'm fighting gnolls, and I see Khallrik only when he wants someone to mentor to turn in quests.

I started a new character, a hostile looking half-elf, shorter than any elf can be - I named her Sash.

I didn't want her to be Sash, I wanted to call her Storm - because I'd already gave her white hair and a dark complexion; she even sported the same hair-do as Halle Berry in X-Men 2.
Anyway, that name was taken, and Stormy sounded too uncool. By then I was frustrated, trying futilely to come up with synonyms for 'Storm', so I hastily named her Sash.

Sash soon took Davienne's place as I grew more and more in love with her. Tanking is so fun, I should never have believed the Cat when he retorted that tanking was a boring job. I love all the jumping around, commanding my group members what to do.

I managed to convince the S.O. to dump his DotA and join me in Norrath, and got him pretty psyched about the game. We'd already decided our class and race, probably a name too, soon.
I'm very particular about names. I'm convinced that we need to discuss his new name together, because I wasn't very happy when he named his trial character, Dragonbalz.

A pity though. School work has been taking up quite some bit of my time. Weekends are reserved for friends and fun. Minus work and other little bits, I only have about a day to play.

I'm settling down into my life quite comfortably. And I think I like it this way. Hope you guys out there, who are struggling with school work can find your rhythm and work it out.

We were having breakfast, waiting for the 10 minutes to pass after which he could send me to Raffles without having to pay ERP charges.
It was then that he popped the question.

Him: Dear...
Me: What.
Him: Shawn asked if I want to get HID lights.

After hearing the boys talk so much about cars, I knew vaguely that HID lights = very bright headlights.

Me: Whatever for?
Him: So I can irritate people back whenever they irritate me.
Me: You always horn them what.
Him: Hmmm, yeah... But they don't listen.
Me: Then after that you always show the finger.
Him: But at night cannot see! I must irritate them back.
Me: But you always high-beam people what!
Him: (Thinks for a while) Yeah, that's true...
Me: Good.
Him: But.. It's cheap leh. 200+ only can get.

I gave him The Look, about to start lecturing him on our recent discussion about saving, when he cut me before I started, as if he read my mind.

Him: Okok!! I not buying anymore...

But I wonder, how long it would take for him to broach the subject again, or have I really won?

Blame the Goonfather!! I want to comprain!

I found this when I came home today and sat at my table.
I'm at home for less than half a day every day. When I am, I'm at my computer. So sometimes I don't sit at my table at all for the week, when I do it's usually for just 2 measly hours a week.
So, I don't know how long it's been sitting at my table, lonely and dusty.

It's a birthday post card from France!
It's from Gabriel, an old friend. We dated for a year plus 5 years ago. Yup, when I was just a kid.
Anyway, he has been sending me birthday and christmas greetings every year for 3 years since when we broke off.

This card is particularly adorable because it's a French 'Me To You' card. He has this habit of sending 'Me To You' cards to me, and since he's in Paris now, it's all in French!
And I think it is oh so exciting to receive a post card from France. I was picturing the little town he lives in, hearing the strange language they speak when I read through the card, although I don't understand the first few and last few lines he wrote. It's all in French.

So if any of you happen to go overseas and see some nice postcards do send it back to me! I'm a sucker for postcards from abroad. Meanwhile I shall try to decipher the few French phrases he wrote.
I think 'Joyeux Anniversaire' means Happy Birthday?