As I was sitting in my lecture, I had a sudden stab of fear.

I started worrying that I might never get to understand how I should go about writing a Soci or Management essay -- I've never been a good Arts student.
I started worrying about getting Third Class Honours and how I'd ever face the world again.
Worry, worry, worry.
The only thing I could take comfort in was that by making it to this lesson, I had actually reduced 'Lessons Missed on Purpose' from 3 to 2.
Which got me worrying again, because I knew I had absolutely no idea what was going on in Sociology.

Paul says one look at me and he knows I'll do well - just because he thinks I look like a 'tak cek kia' (study kid), who will probably graduate with First Class Honours.
I just looked at him and thought through the possibility for a minute.
Then, I started hitting him on the arm and screeching, "What did you call me? Tak cek kia?!"

Anyway, I decided this afternoon that if I actually want to smell my pass, I would have do notes after every topic, because reading is not enough!

I met up with some of my ex-classmates from JC last tuesday. I got a shock when I saw Peipei's dark circled eyes. Then she told me she was 'damn stressed' because nothing could ever be finished. Okay, apart from the fact that her eye circles were from late night booze gatherings, it was pretty scary to know I still had the luxury of watching tv, playing boardgames...

So. I decided that I won't be working at SIM students' pace, I would be working at NUS/NTU students' pace. Yay, I'm evolving into a full time nerd.
Next step: I need to get my geeky glasses.

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Paul called me to grab an envelope before he came to pick me up.
I needed to deposit some cash that day too, so I conveniently put the cash in the envelope. How smart, I thought.

Then, in the car...

Me: Oh SHIT! I forgot my money.
Him: Orh. Where's my envelope?
Me: Oh SHIT! I forgot that too.
Him: Huh, why you like that one.
Me: I put the money in the envelope so I won't forget to bring either out what. Kill two birds with one stone mah.
Him: I think you just killed two stones with one bird lor.

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It was like a scene out of the movies.

I spotted him at the other end of the traffic light, waiting to cross. Both of us with our hand in another's this time, not in each other's. I knew he saw me.

The green man came on. And we walked right past each other. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him staring stonily ahead.
Lips pursed, eyes dully fixed somewhere. I remember that expression. I was always so afraid of it, for it had always hinted a silent war between the both of us.

That second lingered in my mind, though hundreds of them had passed since The Moment. My heart felt twisted and squeezed in the worst way possible. I was listless and responding half-heartedly, hearing but not listening to whatever Paul was saying. Mind time-travelling, head cluttered with unanswered questions, emotions free-wheeling; a mixture of disbelief, hurt, anger and sadness.

An hour later, I laid my head on his shoulder, and started weeping. The first time since a long time ago - I've always been a strong person. Through it all, he coaxed and comforted me gently, answered questions that I never voiced, making me understand.

And I did. It's time I learnt to put things behind me. And that would be my last reserve of tears I had for him.

It's funny how we human beings always make ourselves suffer before allowing happiness to greet us. And it's funny how Fate brings people together and then tear them apart, only to bring them together, in another way, again.

Life. How quaint.

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I woke up with my right eye feeling sore and painful. The S.O. declared it was fine when I enquired about my eye.

A few minutes later, I got the shock of my life when I found a myself a mirror. My eyes were red, puffy and enormously swollen. It hurt when I wore glasses, because I was forced to open my eyes, so much so that I'd rather walk around with my eyes half open.

Anyway, the moral of this story is:
I'm skipping school.
Lately I've been getting this dread about school, I hope this phase passes soon because I can't jump at any and every excuse not to go to school, and because I HAVE to do well.
But for now, I'm going to let my eyes rest, and wait for my emotions to settle. It's been a horrendous week, and I need a good break so I can get my life back on track again.

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It's painful to go back to that place again.
But I have to, because Ying's back and it's her favourite place to be. Then there are insensitive people who ask insensitive questions about the past, and I reply with a frozen smile.

I've mastered the art of acting nonchalant. But my skill at chucking my real feelings aside has deteoriated, thanks to the S.O.'s frequent emotional drilling.
He thinks it's unhealthy for me to bottle my feelings up and tries, though not very successfully, to get me to talk things out. It's working though, because finally I'm feeling tugs at my heart when I'm back at that place.
Anyway, every trip back is like waking up from coma. Fresh memories sting me and flood my brain. Excruciating.

To make matters worse, some old friends I've tried contacting don't seem interested to talk to me anymore, because of The Break Up. It hurts real bad.
And people try to feed me with rumors of The Ex, which I'm desperately avoiding.

Can't you guys see what he's done to me? And can't you, get the fucking hell out of my life?!
Saturday, I'll be free from Ying and that stupid place, and I'll go to my doctor and get the cure. Yes, I'll grab the S.O. and start bawling and complaining about the insensitivity of everyone around me.
Fuck off ****** ***. You suck.
And for those people who do not want to talk to me, fine. Don't expect me to ever treat you as an equal. I do not have such friends from now on.

Time for Norrath.

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Random Rants

• I designed my own mini muzzle with two pieces of soft green strings, meant to tie three times around his mouth and then to his body. He hates it.



• I missed my math class on purpose today. That's a first. I had declared proudly to the S.O. the night before: "I'm such a pro at Differentiation, I don't need to go!" I think I was just comforting myself by trying to justify missing the lesson.



• Scruffy has associated the two green strings with 'Back to the kennel Time'. What a smart dog. Saves me the trouble of shoo-ing him in.



• If this drags on, I think I'll put on 20 kilos by the end of the year, and be such a big fat lump that even Scruffy won't recognize me anymore. I need to get up my ass off this chair and go RUNNING.



• I brought Scruffy to the CC, and he earned himself a few new names.
  Stuffy, Shafie, Smuffy, Starchy, Study, Softy, Sporty.



• I almost fell off the chair when QY appeared in her manager do-up, with the thick lipstick and luscious curls on the 9pm show. No wonder she was complaining about 'missing my 9 o'clock show'. I was wondering why she bothered to chase after chinese serials -- she was acting in it!



• My friends were watching it with me, I just had to introduce the wonderful superstar to them. I gushed on: "There!! My megastar friend! She acted in that funny Kao advert --yah yah the one with cute doggie--and I Not Stupid Too, the pregnant teacher, you know you know?! Yah yah, got got, she got act in kids' show..."



• I miss all my friends. I think Yenny has forgotten my name, or how I look like. Or maybe she won't even like me anymore. I think she'll fly my aeroplane this Tuesday. I hate it when the S.O. is right about my friends getting into university and forgetting about me when they get used to campus life.
  See, I haven't gotten a single call from that stupid Yenny. Sigh.



• Cheryl's back from Canada. She joined NTU Dragonboat, same as Peipei. Oh goody, maybe they'll end up as such fabulous friends that they BOTH forget my name. Great.



• I'm suffering from morbid jealously and paranoia. Ignore me.

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My Scottish Math lecturer cracked a joke in class today.

He asked, "What do you say when you fall off a tree?"

There was lazy murmur as people pondered about it.

He answered, "Tremendous!" and cackled delightedly to himself.

The class was silent, and then there were stifled sniggers, a couple of snickers here and there, but mostly, a wave of disbelief and scary silence.

Of course, I had to choose to embarrass myself then, by bursting into uncontrollable laughter while all eyes focused on me. It was funny!

Tremendous. Tree-mend-us. Get it?
Hahahahahaha.

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A while back, I had two dreams consecutively about two different people, two people that were once important to me; perhaps they still are, perhaps their importance paled to normal, or perhaps.. just locked somewhere deep and dark, lying dormant.

Sometimes you step into other people's lives, unwittingly become a part of it. You enjoy the moment, but reality strikes and you realize, it's not their lives that entwine with yours, but another's.
And this other person whose life you've walked into, has already made you the core. The missing piece that showed up miraculously.
But you know that you've got to sweep the dry leaves away before they catch fire on a hot day...
So you did, without a word, without an explanation. Does it make you feel better?

How stupid, the way my dreams seem to remind me about reality, urging me to face up to it. Or how they seem to bring me back into the past where I've been trying futilely to shelve.

It would be perfect if I could tuck it away, get on with life. After all, nonchalance earns freedom, right?

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SIM has weird lecturers. They seem to prefer curses than praises.

My Econs lecturer, has this at the top of his notes:
Unauthorised copying or printing will lead to bad Karma.

And the Indian Management lecturer once asked us if we read the papers everyday. He then added,
"Now, don't lie, or else YOU WILL FAIL your exams."

It's the 7th month now, and I prefer to be a little bit more pantan (superstitious), thank you very much. So I will dutifully follow all instructions that won't lead to bad Karma.

And oh, Happy Birthday Singapore! I did my part by yodelling National Day tunes in the car, while the other half cringed in his seat. So not ai guo at all. Hmph

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I succeeded in being the class nerd. (And making known that I'm one.)
Very soon, I'll evolve into the full-blown disease...
By becoming teacher's pet.

Class started with me and shuxiang (yes, I know I know, I made a friend) running 5 minutes late into the lecture. Immediately we plopped down right at the front, where the whole row of empty seats beckoned to us.

Mr Nageb loves to ask questions. And he loves to direct those questions at students sitting in the front or along the aisles. Thank goodness he loves to answer them himself.
It was no wonder that within 2 hours, the lecture knew my name, because of his inability to pronounce it ("HUAY-wern").

At the end of the lecture, I did the ultimate nerd/teacher's pet thing.
I said chirpily, "Good-bye Mr Nageb!"
And I waved.

Whee.

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It was such a great group. Good and fast xp, really nice people..
For a second, I contemplated skipping school to continue fighting in Norrath. It's not every day a good group comes by, you know.

I almost did it.
But I reminded myself that Norrath is just an imaginary place, Earth is the real one. And however dreadful I think management classes are, I still have to come back to Earth.

So. I'm currently getting ready, choosing my clothes (argh!) for school.
Management. Mr Nageb.
Groan.

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This is what happens when I am not looking.

The maid feeds him chunks of luncheon meat.
The father feeds him free biscuits from 7th month Getai.
The sister feeds him colourful gummy bears.

And despite yelling,
"How many times have I said, NO HUMAN FOOD??!!"
They just don't get it.

They don't see the reasons behind my concerns. They just chide me for being strict and nonsensical.
My crazy family members. I think I'm the only sane being around.

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Recently, we accompanied a couple of friends to their home-viewing.

Very pretty places. All were spacious, some had nice balconies, some had pretty good view.

When we reached home, I told the S.O. about my farmer plans. And asked if he would like to invest in my plan with me.

Me: We can look for a grass patch near Jurong area.
Him: Ok that sounds nice.
Me: And build our farm there.
Him: Uh-huh.
Me: And buy a few cows.
Him: Don't need buy cows lah, got Kel and QY enough!!

How stupid of me to think he would be seriously considering my plan. Hmph.

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I had my first day of school yesterday.

I got dressed without rush. Realized on the way out that I hadn't got anything except my pencil case in my bag, but decided that should be enough. Met a friend I hadn't met in about a year, we chatted, made the long train ride more tolerable.

At school. I reached at 1.33pm, 3 minutes later than the time my lecture starts. I panicked.
I haven't found Lecture Room 2.08 yet! Is it left or right? What if I need the loo?! Do I need writing paper, because I haven't got any! Oh my gosh, is there a bookshop here??

Well. I shouldn't have. When I reached, people were still queueing for their lecture notes. At 1.45pm, people were still streaming in.

I decided that the very first action I mete out will be the attitude I'll be engraved with for the three years here.

I decided to be a nerd.

So I went straight to the front, where three rows of empty seats glared at me unattractively. I sat down and tried to look the very nerd I wanted to be. I must have succeeded in spotting the Nerd Spot, because a guy carrying a 'Adventures of Tin Tin' bag sat down beside me.

The Indian lecturer droned on for about 2.5 hours. About himself.

15 minutes break. Yay. We get hotdog buns, fruit tarts and cupcakes. Coffee and Tea provided too.

Then Mr Nageb droned on for 30 minutes, covering about 1 page out of 30cm high of our lecture notes.
I couldn't understand. The words 'organisation', 'behaviour', 'dynamics' rang unfamiliarly at my ears. I panicked. Tried to make sense of the lecture. Read my notes, tried to make more sense.
Nothing.
My eyes bulged in horror when he mentioned we have to do 4 out of 10 questions, of which each essay must be over 4 pages.

My heart stopped its panick attack. It simply just sank.
And those few words kept going over and over in my mind.

What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

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